Forever in my heart

​In memory of my son, Justin Osundeko
Born and gone to be with the Lord on the 26th January, 2018 at approx 2am in the morning
Justin, writing they say is therapeutic. I never thought i would have to write these words. Nothing prepared me for this.  Justin, from the moment your lovely dad, Dr Osundeko and I learnt about your miraculous conception, we were already deeply in love with you just like we love your older siblings Joy and Joseph. We had prayed so hard for you even before we discovered that you were growing right here in my tummy. Justin, you were a special baby because it took us approx 7 years to conceive you. You were a gift to our family. It doesn’t make sense to me that you were snatched away from belly just approx 4weeks before it would have been legally right to resuscitate you at birth and 4 months to your due date. I will never see you grow up. I mourn the loss of your future. I feel cheated.
Your daddy and i were already imagining what our future will be with you in our lives, with you being besties to your big sister Joy and big brother Joseph. Your dad and i love you so much so much so that if love alone was enough to save your life, you will still be in my tummy today. We are so sorry that we couldn’t do anything to stop you from gaining your angel’s wings. From the moment my stomach cramps started around my pelvic region, i assumed it was SPD from the account of many other pregnant women as regards common causes of pelvic pain in pregnancies. I not wanting to depend on dr google decided to let the community midwife know to see if anything could be done to alleviate my pain and suffering. We really wanted to enjoy your pregnancy so the amount of pain i was enduring was unbelievable Justin, only because the love we have for you as with all our children is priceless. i couldn’t reach the midwife because she only has certain days when shes’s in the office. I was allowed to speak to another member of her team and she told me that i was likely having pelvic pain from the description of my symptom. I observed that the pain i was having on a daily basis  the week prior to your birth was excrutiating , it was at intervals. I had no idea that i was already in labour. As a high risk pregnancy, i was hoping that i was going to be able to get scanned to see how you were doing. But my next scan was a week away 31st January so i was advised to be patient since my scan date was close. I phoned almost on a daily basis because the pain wasn’t going away even with pain killers. I nagged the midwives  on  phone to see if anyone would offer me a scan but i was put through to the xxxx hospital physios who promised to get back to me and till date i haven’t heard from them. Apparently they support pregnant women with spd by advising about exercise and offering support belts and anything to alleviate the pain. See Justin but i was not actually having spd because a phone diagnosis can be wrong. I wish a medic took the time to maybe scan me or listen to your heart beat. I had no idea that you were already struggling with your life at that time. We still don’t know when you passed on but when we had the last scan for you, we were told that you were an active healthy baby contently sucking your thumb despite the presence of 5 fibroid tumours around where you were growing in my belly. By the time I spoke to the midwife on phone, she spoke to the GP who then phoned me for a phone consultation. The GP offered me a strong painkiller, co-codamol. Justin, that wasn’t exactly what we needed if only we knew, we needed to know if you were still thriving. In the middle of all these chaos, your dad and i even considered going private, we were still weighing our options and looking for help when all this happened. Even though you were still in my belly, we dote on all our children from the moment they are conceived. The co-codamol painkiller didn’t alleviate the pain and this was where the confusion mounted. I again didn’t worry about being tagged a nagging pregnant mum, i phoned the midwife again and again but all i got was phone conversions, nobody offered to send me for a scan because they felt that my scan date was getting closer. This time, another doctor based on insistence, offered us a home visit and he was right there whilst i was in labour but he had no clue that i was in labour. He prescribed antibiotics for UTI despite not checking my urine and was unusually over playful. It is confusing that i miscarried you hours after the doctor’s visit. Your doting dad even asked if the GP can help us check if everything is alright with baby with the level of pain i’ve been through for almost a week and he replied that he didn’t come with his stethoscope. How ridiculously unbelievable is that line?  You visit an ailing pregnant woman as a doctor without a stethoscope? I started the antibiotics almost an hour after the doctor left and i had no idea that you were to be miscarried that in a few hours despite all the help that we attempted to seek. Justin, i want you to know that as parents, we never take chances, we are very proactive and heaven knows that your dad and i despite not knowing what was about to happen, tried our best to get you medical help.. I am so upset that the midwife invited me to hospital only after i started bleeding. By that time, it was too late to save you. For one week, i lived on painkillers and i couldn’t sleep too. Maybe you were trying to tell me something. With the level of pain i was going through, all i wanted was for someone to scan and check to see what was going on with you.
Your dad has been my pillar of support from the day you were conceived and always, he constantly prays for you, me and your siblings at any given opportunity. He treats me like a queen. He suddenly become my personal physician, inspecting how much water i drank to ensure that i was drinking enough water to prevent a build-up of UTI like i had in my first trimester. He would remind me of my prenatal vitamins, he worked extra hard and ensured that everything we bought for you ahead of your due date was brand new and the best on the market.He worked extra hours, did extra work to ensure that your future and that of your siblings was secured. What more can you ask for in father? You might never get to play football with your dad and Joseph as i dreamt but i want you to know that you are blessed to have such an amazingly kind gentleman as a father. He would cook and feed me and your siblings on many days when i was simply not strong enough to cook or withstand the smell of cooking ingredients. Wow, your dad was so excited about having another son.  You need to know that you were deeply loved. Mayor and i loved you and i guess no one will really understand the depth of our loss.
It’s easy for anyone to assume that since we already have two children, we shouldn’t feel any loss. These things are not easy to explain because it is so personal. But you just know when your family is incomplete and we knew we needed you to complete our growing family. See Justin, this world which you left is such a mixed multitude and judgmental place, if mayor and i had no children and were simply career focused as we both are workaholics, people will still have an opinion as why carer oriented people who do not want children are selfish people. When you decide you love and want children, the number of children you personally chose to have becomes a subject that other people feel they should debate about. This is life, people often feel that they have an opinion about other people’s personal lives. Mayor and are i are prepared to do all we can to give you and your siblings the best and fundamentals of life and most importantly to nurture you with love, care and attention.  Mayor and i would joke about who would stay up at night to do your feeds , i was already researching about breastfeeding and i had contingency plan in place to express my milk and bottle feed you with the most nutritious milk even if direct breastfeeding didn’t work out.
We would jokingly argue about your official names and so we were still undecided about the name ‘oluwaseni’ until the very moment you passed on. You dad wanted you to be named ‘olumayowa’
We would chat about about how joy and joseph would react to having you in the family. We dreamt about how you will sit with joy to play with her and we even dreaded that you and joseph will have some sibling rivalry being both boys because joseph doesn’t really like to share his toys with other kids.
Because 2nd trimester comes with a surge of energy, your dad made the provision for me to start preparing your nursery. Almost everything we needed for your birth was ready except for the fact we had to wait until your due date and that will never happen now that you’ve gained your angels’ wings. There is so much to say Justin but i hope you will see and appreciate the sort of loving family you would have being born into.
Your dad witnessed your birth yesterday and i was told that you were born in your amniotic sac and you looked so peaceful curled into a ball, oblivious of  the chaos looming. The nurses had to break your amniotic sac with our permission so that we got the opportunity to cuddle your tiny body before you were buried or cremated. Holding you has been one of the momentous and saddest day of my life. I never thought your life was going to end like this. I never saw this coming Justin i sang you nursery rhyme because this was one of the things i was going to do when you needed cuddling to sleep or when you simply need entertainment as a baby. Your dad and i love music and dancing! I was still in pain from the injections, still drowsy from the effect of the morphine and painkiller and i didn’t even know when i drifted in and out of sleep like a drunk woman. I don’t know how you managed not to fall from my chest as i rocked your tiny body on my chest. I still got to experience skin to skin / kangaroo care with you. I had dreamt of these happy moments as one of the ways that i was going to use to bond with you after you were born. At around midday, after the Chaplin came over for your blessings, the doctors came over to sign form to arrange for your burial and medical testing. We knew it was time to say a final goodbye. As were planning to leave you in the hospital room, a nurse came over and put a white cloth over your body. I wish she didn’t do that in our presence. Your loving dad, mayor broke down, he cried like I’ve never seen him cry before. Justin this wasn’t the sort of celebration we dreamt of when mayor planned your naming ceremony. I had to encourage your dad to let you continue to sleep peacefully in peace. Leaving you in the hospital, cold and lonely in that tiny white Moses basket was one of the hardest things we’ve ever done. We had no choice. We had to say a final goodbye to you. We cried all through our walk through the hospital corridors and also as we drove home. We have lost you forever but you will live in our hearts Justin .
We love and miss you Justin. Rest in peace little Osundeko soldier